Wish it was good news...

Find out this morning at 8:30 am that the beast has decided to make a new statement. The MRI from yesterday does unfortunatley show the area of concern is starting to grow. DAMN IT!!! What I wouldn't do to have some time off from this beast to just enjoy some chill time.

The update that was scheduled on Global TV today has been cancelled. I called them after leaving the Tom Baker and let them know that what we thought was good news, isn't that great anymore.

On a good note, we have put an immediate stop to the VP-16 chemo and the super-expensive Avastin. The question now is where do we go from here. I had about 5 minutes of sadness, tears, anger and giving up before I hopped back into the left side of the plane to start the flight through the storm. I thought that I had it on cruise control.

I can sit here and explain the anger and sadness of this morning, yet that is a complete waste of energy for both you and I. Being this way would solely allow the cancer to actually believe in itself more confidently. I don't state this to say that I will beat this ongoing challenge. I may very well be gone in a few months. I've spent a lot of time over the last 15 months to think and review the true purpose of my existence (and what may apply to everyone).

We are here to enjoy life in as many ways as possible. We are here to learn (and this does not apply to school). We are here to spread love to others to ensure that they feel it. We are here to accept the reality that is around us, as it is something that we will never control. Most importantly...we are here to know ourselves. After all, that is all that we can take with us when the time comes to go.

Happy Holidays to everyone out there. I plan to say this for many more years.

Peace, love and happiness!

On Global TV News

Hi everyone,

Tash, Talyn and I were interviewed today by Global news for an update on how things have been going for the last year. Hard to believe that it's already been a year since I last saw them. Wow!! Suppose to be on tomorrow night at both 5:00 and 6:00 pm. Was nice to get stuck back out regarding how we're doing.

Have had a good recovery from my 2 days of bitterness last week. I guess I need to remember that this journey isn't supposed to have any fun to it. Although I've had a great time meeting other people and seeing how incredible we can all be together, I still have to remember that my battle is far from over.

I've started to think a lot more about getting back to work, but am not willing to take that risk yet after everything that I've been throught. I'm getting another MRI done at 5:00 pm today for another 2 month update. Feeling pretty good about it but have and will always have that shield around me to prepare for bad results. I'll find out tomorrow morning and really hope that my next Blog is talking about good stuff and not bad. I've always felt confident about getting good results, but my one experience in November, 2008 where things were looking bad, have left a vibe of badness in me that is still there tapping me on the shoulder.

Off to a chiro appointment and then my MRI at 5:00 pm. Will keep you posted.

The surfboard that we wave regarding cancer

Had a pretty mellow day yesterday. Felt quite tired and needed to lie down again by 1:00 pm. It's great that I can drive again now so it's way easier to go from Point A to Point B. Took Talyn to swimming class and by the time that it was over at 11:45, I got him home right away, ate some food and hit the sack. Woke up around 2:00 and took almost 2 hours to wake up from the nap. As we all tend to know, everyone tends to have a hard time waking up after a long nap.

My Dad and his wife Bonnie came down from Edmonton and we enjoyed putting up the tree and the light all over the place. It was frustrating when we were pretty well finished that I suddenly had to lay down and close my eyes to slow down what I felt like could be a seizure coming along. Once more another reminder from the f@#king battle that I am far from the end. My god, what I wouldn't do to live a month of "normal" days and nights where I get up, go to work and come home for dinner, spend some time with Tash and Talyn and go to bed. It is such a world that I honestly do not recall anymore.

Argh!!!

One year ago...

Hard to believe that it's already been one year since I had my mass-seizures and spent 5 days in the hospital. I can still remember every moment of that situation like it was just yesterday. So excited to have the "freedom" to hop in the car and take Talyn to school vs. the bus, run over to Safeway to pick up some groceries, etc, etc. The simple things that we take advantage of because it is so natural. Again, one of the many things that we have the ability to do, but don't realize how beneficial they are until we can't do it anymore.

As I've mentioned before, if we could only invest 5 minutes of time per day to realize how lucky we are to be alive, you would probably sit back and start to look at things a little differently. We have Christmas coming and are so excited to make that connection with family and friends, yet if we took a bit of time everyday to realize the exact same things, reality might change a little bit on the good side.

I know that I was taught as a young boy to be thankful for the life that I have and to enjoy things as the time goes by, yet the amount of pressure that exists with respect to school, sports, etc. that it was so easy to forget about the benefits of living in the first place.

By far one of the biggest mistakes that I made was approximately in June, 2008 when I was heading to a conference that I had paid for to upgrade my licensing for investment consulting. Tash gave me a call that she wasn't feeling well and that I would have to take Talyn to day care for her. I was so mad about this (and not mad at Tash) that I remember thinking that the pressure that I'm applying to myself to prove myself to others that I could do it, I told my tumour that if it was going to come back due to everything that was going on, I didn't give a crap b/c proving myself to others was far more important than taking care of myself. If we looked up the definition of IDIOCY in the dictionary, there would be a picture of me.

Please try to avoid these kinds of situations as best as possible. Don't pull a "Ryan".

Over and out.

Back from Mexico

Had a great time of "nothingness" while Talyn played in the Kids Club with other kids from different counties. It was great to go!!! Haven't vegged like that in an extremely long time. We thought about going on a tour of something, but knew that all we really wanted was nothing. The resort we stayed at is called the "Paradius". I like to call it Paraoutstanding!!!
Had some nice walks along the beach, met a lot of nice people, ate a lot of great food, and relaxed. Great way to step out of reality.

We flew back on Friday during the crazy snow storm that was happening. They had to do an overshoot on our approach and ended up flying to Saskatoon to refuel and wait a couple of hours for the strong part of the cold front had passed. After all was said and done, we got to bed at 4:00 am on Saturday morning. It was wild on our approach as we had been told the weather wasn't very good. Being trained and spending many hours of time practicing critical situations like this, my gut totally told me that we were going to do an overshoot. I let Tash know that everything was alright and as soon as the engines went to full throttle, I firmly let her know that everything was alright. Makes being a passenger much easier to handle fear when you know what's going on in the cockpit. Aah...the good old days.

The biggest challenge was going from +30 degrees to -30 degrees in 5 hours. Man, what a shift.

Had my checkup yesterday and all is well. Completed my Avastin treatment today and feeling a little tired. I'm sure that I'll get a rush of energy the minute before I lay down to go to sleep.

Now that I'm back to reality, I'm going to start Blogging more about anything and everything else.

I hope that everyone is doing well.

Buenas noches!!

Off to Mexico

Looking forward to heading south for a little while to celebrate the fact that things are going so well for me.

It was about a year ago that the latest MRI showed significant growth and inflammation that truly made me feel the reality of my tumour finally taking control of my path and was aiming me towards the world of after-life. I thank it for doing this to me to make me finally realize the luck that I (and all of us) have to exist in the first place.

I spoke a couple of weeks ago at my friend's client seminar to tell "A Story about a guy named Ryan". At that seminar, I told the people there about my history with respect to diagnosis, treatments, anger, denial, anxiety, sadness, bitterness and almost anything else that applies. I also discussed the benefits and what this has truly taught me over the last 12 years.

What is truly the sadness of it all is that it takes something like this to really make us appreciate the fact that we're even here. The fact that I am sitting here in my pajamas, drinking coffee and typing on my computer. Telling my thoughts that come from my brain on this planet we call Earth in this infinite Universe that came from somewhere that we will never truly know. I am very Spiritual regarding all of this. After all, what are the odds that this universe, our solar system, our planet that we have named "Earth" could even exist in the first place. I think that I would easily win the Lotto 6-49 at least a billion times before the fact that I am here, right now, typing on my computer in the first place.

Why is there so much fighting and disrespect for others regarding "how we got here, where we're going, etc.) when none of us will ever actually know. Why do we not simply respect that "we're here and are extremely lucky to be here in the first place"?

Being an ex-pilot, I was taught very well that when you are in control of a plane that has an issue (engine failure, fire, etc.), your job is to solve the problem without emotion controlling you. After all, when you're responsible for 200+ lives behind you in the plane, is it wise for me to critique, express anger without reasoning, allow fear to control your mind (which then controls the plane), etc, etc, etc.....? Absolutely not!! Therefore, why do we allow opinions and critique to control our everyday lives?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that we should all become "Vulcans" from Star Trek (only live by reason and logic). I am simply saying that we should all take some time to "chill out" and think about the beauty and the benefits of the fact that we are here. Unfortunately, the pace that we live in is way too damn fast.

If we're only here once, why not stop and look around. Book it in your "To Do's" on your Blackberry or whatever it is you use.

As the great Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "NOTHING IS AS SACRED AS THE INTEGRITY OF YOUR OWN MIND"

I'm not going to wish you all a great day. I am going to wish you all the best forever.

So incredibly proud of my amazing wife Tasha!

Check this out. Tasha is part of a documentary that has been completed. It's being presented this weekend in Toronto.

Go to this website address and push play on the film in the upper right corner.

http://www.tellher2.com/the-documentary/

Have a great day!

Had a great surprise Birthday party!

Tash did a great job of not letting me know that close friends were coming over to celebrate my 37th birthday last night.

We were out in Kananaskis for the weekend to celebrate the upcoming Christmas with the great company that she works with. So nice to see everyone!

On our way home, her and I talked about what we wanted to do for a birthday dinner and was blown away after my nap that she had invited so many of our close friends over to celebrate my birthday. It was awesome!!!

I had a very emotional morning this morning for who knows what reasoning. I'm so happy with how everything is going for me, but I'm approaching that point that I'd be willing to do almost anything to just go back to getting up in the morning, go to work, see my clients, see my co-workers, come home, have dinner, spend time with Tasha and Talyn and go to bed. I've completely forgotten what that is. I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned this before but wow, it's approaching my "point of no return". I learned how to deal with that situation in flight school, but definitely didn't learn how to apply to life.

I did my latest Avastin injection last Wednesday and am finding that its side effects of tiredness are really starting to hit me now. I'm sleeping about 9 hours a night and 1 to 2 hours of naps in the day. I'm going for one right after this.

I hope that everyone is doing well.

Latest MRI....

Came back showing that the beast is definitely staying in its cave. Was feeling really confiident going in to get the results, but still a little apprehensive that we were going to be told bad news.

It's insane the amount of thoughts and energy that goes through us when we're waiting for these important results. Very challenging to continue accepting the fact that although you are mentally in control; it could be physically completely different.

What I wouldn't do have a week of working where I had to deal with traffic, building plans for my clients, and anything and everything else. Ah, the irony.

As the great Hamlet said:
"To be, or not to be: that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them?"

I have always felt that it is much better to "take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them." The hardest part is sticking to that plan. I know that I will never give in, however, I also know that there will always be times of doubt.

As hard as it is to accept a challenge, all that we can truly do is control our minds and learn something from it. Nothing else matters - the weather, the traffic, the long line up when buying groceries. Those are areas that can used to define the simplicity when it comes to the concept of challenges. It is truly sad that knowing there are far more significant challenges in life, we often allow the small stuff to control us. What I wouldn't do to go back to when I was originally diagnosed and use what I have learned in the last 14 months. I don't think that I would be in the same position that I am in now. I could be right, I could be wrong. Does that really matter? I don't know.

All that I truly know now is that to be the Captain of your mind and truly maintain control - life will become simpler, challenges will be easier, and your love and respect for the life that you have been given will truly stand out. I wish that I was taught this when I was a child. My son Talyn is already starting to learn this from me and if that is the only thing that I can do for him, so it shall be.

Peace, love and happiness to you all!

Forgot to tell you...

That I was featured in the latest magazine from the Canadian Cancer Society's Fall edition. It shows myself and Michael, who was also diagnosed many years ago. The strangest thing is that both of our wives were dealt the breast cancer card. What are the odds of that?!?!

I have a copy of it on my computer in a PDF form, but can't move in onto my Blog. If anyone knows how I can do that, please let me know.

Thanks a lot!

Had my Avastin last week

It's definitely at that point now in my life that it's just the "thing I do every 2 weeks". Not complaining about it. Just getting sick and tired (especially tired) of it.

Had a great nurse (as they all are) injecting me and telling me that unfortunately she has to be let go at the end of the month due to the changes in the provincial budget. Was so sad to see what's going on around us as the economy corrects itself. I have to ensure that I make this next statement properly due to the negative impact of war. I find it very difficult to understand why we value our lives so much, yet there is so much chaos in this world that leads to death of others. Does everyone in this world have to be put into a life-threatening situation to truly value the fact that we even exist? As the Dalai Lama said when he was here...this century that we are in now has to find peace without war, as he feels now that war will never find peace on this planet.

This is wrapped up so well in a quote by Pablo Casals:

"When will we teach our children what they are?
We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your cunning fingers, the way you move.
You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel?"

Brought tears to my eyes...


As I believe I mentioned months ago, I "talked" to my brain tumour and let it know that I will fight it strongly when necessary; however I will also let it be with me for the rest of my long life should we find peace.


I'm getting burnt out from my ongoing war with my tumour. I really hope that we find peace soon.

How's everyone out there?

Haven't written in a couple of weeks. Hard to believe that fall is here and we'll be celebrating Christmas before we know it.

Did another round of Avastin last Wednesday. Had a great chat with one of my doctors regarding the plan as to how long I'm going to be on the Avastin (assuming that things continue to do well). He had a great analogy to really emphasize that we must continue down this path. He told my wife, Tasha, prior to his discussion with me that he was going to use some "guy" analogies. He told me that although the Cancer army has retreated and my army has advanced quite a bit, it's not yet time to start celebrating victory as there are many snipers out there waiting for me to put my guard down. Just like that, I knew that I still have to many more steps to take to ensure that I win the fight. They want to continue doing the Avastin and VP-16 treatment until February when it will all be reviewed.

One of the ongoing issues that we're (and many other Canadians) are losing is getting the government to set up a more personal medical coverage system. Might sound insane but in my world it makes a lot of sense. I can understand and respect that they can't cover everything out there. It's unfortunate that they don't have some style with respect to experimental treatments. Maybe have a trial time with the patient that states if this experimental drug is showing positive results after 3 months, they will step in to help out. Why should anyone have to deal with the financial stress on top of the emotional and physical stress of fighting to save your life? Believe me, it's not fun at all!!

I've mentioned before that until this problem is taken care of, anyone and everyone should look into covering themselves financially through Critical Illness insurance. Too take the financial stress out of your battle is a huge relief and allows you to invest all of your energy into fighting the real battle - THE BATTLE TO STAY ALIVE!

You may ask why I didn't have this myself when I was initally diagnosed in 1997. First and most important reason; I was a young 24 year old pilot who always thought that stuff like this would "never happen to me" as so many others in our society think. Second reason; it didn't exist yet in Canada. Please do yourself a favour and talk to your financial or insurance consultant about this and see if you can qualify for it. The odds of using it is greater than using your life and disability. Once the logic of it is explained to you properly, I feel confident you'll realize how to avoid going through what I have been financially.

Was on CTV news today to say thank you to everyone out there that has helped us by donating to "Ryan's Path". Here's the link:

http://calgary.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20091005/CGY_tumour_avastin_091005/20091005/?hub=CalgaryHome

I have always felt confident in winning this battle, however, there has also been many times that "doubt" has crawled into my brain and reminded me that there is no guarantee to anything in life. What this has made me realize is that although we know that we have been given the gift of life (and all of the challenges that are part of the deal), we must realize that we will pass on and accept that that is part of the deal. That is something that has really become an eye opener for me and I can say "thank you" to cancer for making me realize this. We live each day and each day goes by like a blink; each week, each month and each year go by like a blink. We are told to "stop and smell the flowers", yet that rarely happens.

Take some time each day to say "thank you" for being here. It has definitely helped me and will continue to help me as every day goes by.

Peace, love and happiness to everyone.

Congrats to my brother Sean and my sister in-law Michelle!!

They have a new baby boy. His name is Cole Ryan Westerman. I love his middle name. :) He was born yesterday and is doing well so far. Tash, Talyn and I are going to go back to Regina to see him. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

This fall has been so beautiful. I'm seriously wondering if Mother Nature has decided to start our summer later and have it end later. :)

I hope that everyone is having a great day!

Already a year has passed and it was...

When reality smacked me hard enough in the head that I realized the true challenge that was in front of me. It was on September 11th, 2008 that I was told by one of the doctors at the Tom Baker Centre that my tumour had become very aggressive and that I wouldn't be around for Christmas, 2009 if we didn't get it under control. It took a few days for it to really sink in to me what Tasha and I were told. It's been such a blur since then but that stands out fairly clearly.

Now that things seem to be "under control" regarding this, I find it hard to look around and accept the fact that we, as humans, take our lives so easily for granted. I know that I've mentioned it before but it's something that unfortunately we will never understand. The majority of all we hear is the bad news that is happening. Why do we allow that to be the driver of our global car? From my perspective, and I'm sure many others, it doesn't make sense. There's so many challenges in our world that I feel could have been taken care of in a much better way should we have been taught at a younger age the importance of listening, instead of stating an opinon. Have you ever tried that challenge? To sit in the midst of a conversation and do everything you can do avoid saying the word "I". We have all been taught this concept but are rarely good at it. Do we have to prove ourselves to the world that we live in? I personally feel that we have to. The question for me is "why"?

I love so much playing with our son Talyn. He truly is an amazing gift to Tasha and I. A challenge that I am having with him is the fact that he already feels that has to be "Number 1!" and "Me first" no matter what. Is that part of being a four year old boy or is it part of the influences around him? I know that I definitely do not know.

Where and why am I writing this? It's due to the fact that it's so unfortunate in our fast pased, go, go, go world - that it takes serious challenges in life to make us slow down and smell the flowers. I would definitely do anything I could to go back in time and learn this as a young boy. I'd probably still be dealing with brain cancer, but at least I would have been able to apply it then instead of waiting until now; the fourth time.

I will do anything I can to get through this ongoing challenge of mine so that I am here to teach my son what I have learned and am continually learning. I want to ensure that he will have this perspective as he takes his many steps through his gift called life.

Story on YouTube

I forgot to let you all know that a video that was done by Investors Group last year regarding my challenges, has been posted on YouTube.

Check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feWg_SSgf4Y

Latest MRI

I'm starting to really build more confidence from the latest MRI. It shows again that there is no aggression being shown by the tumour. In my ways of understanding, its chilled out.

It is unfortunate that there is no technology that can firmly determine what we see is blood fluid (in a good way), water, scar tissue or cancer cells. What we can confirm is that the aggression we saw 1 year ago (Sept. 11, 2008) is no longer there. The beast has gone back into its cave.

Does this mean that I jump back into my past world of reality and proving myself to others? Absolutely not! The one incredible benefit of this last year is having the time to rethink what I truly want out of my existence. All I know for sure is that we all have one life to find peace, love and happiness while we're here. No more, no less.

Why does it take a harsh situation to make us stop and take a breath? I will never know.
All I know is that after my 36 years of life and 12 years of dealing with cancer, I have finally stopped and taken a breath.

It's too bad that it took cancer to make me do it.

Have a stellar long weekend!!!

PS. Won't take so long to keep everyone updated.

PSS. I'm going to be on the cover of the Canadian Cancer Society's October magazine. It also has my story inside of it along with some pictures.

Long time, no chat!!!

Wow! I can't believe that it's been over 6 weeks since I last wrote in this. Time is just zooming on by!

Hope that everyone is having a great summer. Didn't really get much "summer" until after Stampede Week. I seriously think that our summer is starting later and staying later until the end of September. Who really knows? I know I don’t.

I'm in for an MRI tomorrow and will get the results the next day when I'm in for my 2 week checkup. Had some issues regarding anxiety for a while which of course made me feel that my tumours taking control. Once you have cancer, you assume that anything that's happening to your body is due to and / or making things worse. Will update once I know what the doctor and the MRI says.

Tash, Talyn and I were back in Regina for a couple of weeks visiting family in August. Her parents have a cottage just across the water from Regina beach. Great to get away!

Spent some time kayaking around the shoreline and can’t explain how peaceful that was. To be out there with no one else but yourself and your soul while listening to nothing but nature is a true gift that we all have. It’s unfortunatle that it’s hard to actually get away to do it.

This is something that I’m truly having a hard time with. I’m sure that I’ve written it before, but I still don’t understand. As brilliant as we humans truly are, there is so much out there that we need to learn and may never understand.

Why is it that it takes something major for us to stop and realize that beauty of the fact that we even exist. It doesn’t make sense. I know that we must learn, we must work, we must etc. but why are we not truly taught to stop and respect and admire the fact that we’re even here? With some of the reading that I’ve been doing, it has really helped me to stop and think about the odds that we even exist. What are the odds that this concept called life is there? How could we have ever gotten here in the first place? We’re on a planet that has been named “Earth”, have been given the necessities for life to exist on it, in a universe that theoretically is infinite. When I stop and think about this, all I can say is “WHAT?!?!?!?”

I’ve always been a logical thinker, which helped me a lot while I was a commercial pilot and a financial consultant, and now while I go through my cancer battle which seems to be going well. Because of this way of thinking, it just doesn’t make sense that we as humans are so smart, yet so silly. So much time, effort and money is put into defense and protection when the majority of all of the problems on this planet (hunger, disease, poverty) could be resolved. Why is it that war exists without reasoning and there is so much death that shouldn’t be? Why is it that we as humans allow “Ego” to control so much?

Please don’t get me wrong; we must learn, we must achieve success in our lives and we must raise amazing children so that they can bring humans to a higher level. I’m just constantly confused as to why it takes disease, death due to unnecessary war, poverty, starvation and many other issues to make us realize the luck we have to even be here. The irony of this, as I write, is that it took a punch in my head from cancer on September 11th, 2008 (even more ironic that it was on the 7 year anniversary of the original September 11th, 2001) to make me stop and dig deeper inside of my soul to understand this.

Believe me, I’m still working on it and will until the day I "move on".

Peace, love and happiness.

Ongoing challenges

It seems that just when you feel comfortable with things, something else comes along and hits you on the side of the head. I found out yesterday that my Dad has been diagnosed with dementia. What's up with that?!?!

I'm not writing this to complain. I'm simply wondering when life will give us a break. Just a couple of weeks would be nice. It's been almost 12 years now since the start of the journey of dealing with cancer and now something completely different. Whining is simply a complete waste of energy. Sitting back and reviewing and accepting is the hard part.

Accept, get the sword out, and go back to battle!!!

Hope all is well.

Updated picture

Hi everyone,

Please find attaced the latest picture from my MRI that was done a couple of weeks ago. Definitely makes me feel a lot better about things, however I have to ensure that I don't put my guard down.

Reminds me off when a hockey team is up by 2 with a few minutes left in the 3rd period and the risk of becoming passive exists. Suddenly the opposing team scores and the threat of the game being tied and going into overtime takes control. Fear, paranoia and the concept of losing is now in the left seat. I have to ensure that does not happen.

I was also given an opportunity to tell my story to a group of 200 peoples last Friday and really enjoyed it. Got some great comments afterwards.

Hope you're all doing well!!!

Enjoy Canada Day!!

MRI Results

Was very good. Was pretty nervous this morning but could tell the minute that Gloria walked into the waiting room that all was well. We haven't seen any significant changes since the last MRI but I am very happy with that as it shows that we have "the beast" under control.

I will show the latest picture of the MRI in the next couple of days when I get a chance to transfer it to my computer. Walked out of there feeling so much confidence that the path I am on is truly working. We can't forget that how confident we might feel taking on the challenges of living, doubt likes to sneak up behind us and tap us the shoulder to remind us that it's still there.

My Mom heads back tomorrow to White Rock as her time and needs are no longer "required". She's done such an amazing job helping us out over the last 6 months. Hard to believe how fast time flies. The year is already half over.

An incredible benefit to taking on this challenge is the fact that I have found the time to truly try to get to know mysefl. Doesn't seem to surprise me that we spend so much time on this planet trying to know so many other people yet we barely know ourselves. As the Taoist philosophy goes..."The experience of inner peace is my true gauge of all accomplishments."

I wish you all the best and will definitely keep you posted if anything, both good or bad, happens.

Sunday's Calgary Sun

Hi everyone,

I was asked by the Calgary Sun if they could do an update on me and my family to compliment Father's Day. I said FOR SURE!!

Please see the link below.

http://www.calgarysun.com/news/alberta/2009/06/21/9878206-sun.html

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

All is well.

Hi everyone,

I hope that everyone is doing great. I can't believe that it's almost been a month since I last updated what's happening. Everything has been going well. I was thinking about why I haven't updated my Blog for almost a month and the reality is I really don't have anything wild and crazy to talk about. I guess that's a good thing, isn't it?

I've been spending a lot of time in the yard helping my Mom. She's awesome and does a great job at garden / yard stuff. All I really know what to do is pick things up and mow the lawn. :) She's heading back to White Rock on Tuesday after we get the results from my next MRI. Hard to believe that it's already been 6 months since she "moved" here to help us out. Tons of thanks and love goes out to her!!!

I'm in for an update MRI tonight. Funny way to spend a Friday night vs. the old young days of figuring out which bar to go to. :) Life changes, now doesn't it.

I've also been asked by a company to come in to their lunch meeting of about 200 people and tell my story of what I've been dealing with for the last 12 years and how I've taken on this challenge. Huge honour to say the least. Luckily I've been writing a lot of my thoughts down over the challenging trip that I'm on right now. The title I think is simply going to be "The guy named Ryan".

Been biking around a lot trying to keep in shape. It's kind of funny that one of the side effects of Avastin is weakness in your upper legs. When I'm riding up a hill and the legs are burning in pain, my response to it is simply - "that's all you got? and I push it even harder. Dealing with cancer only gives me more power. The power to fight!!!

I'll update some more on Tuesday with the results of the MRI.

Have a great weekend!

Next treatment of Avastin

Has come and gone. I was at the Tom Baker on Tuesday and Wednesday for a check-up and Avastin treatment. Didn't have any issues with respect to bloodwork so they let me go forward with the Avastin. Haven't had any side-effects since then other than the regular tiredness.

Tash and I are taking a couple of days off from our world of cancer and our son Talyn and are heading out to Banff for a couple of days. It's been a long time since we've actually gone on a vacation so Talyn's staying here with my Mom and Tasha and I are just going out to chill. Have pretty well forgotten what "chilling out" truly is. That's definitely a huge burden with respect to dealing with cancer is that it tends to control our schedule. Much more relaxed doing chemo now versus radiation in December and January but stuff always seems to be on the go.

Is it me or is this year beyond zooming by?!?!? It seems like just yesterday that I was at the Foothills recovering from all the seizures I had. That was December 12th - almost 6 months already. I definitely believe the theory that time only speeds up the older we get. Is that due to doing too much, working too hard, not spending time on slowing down and smelling the flowers. All I know is that it happens and all that I can do about it is accept it and focus some of my energy on "stopping". As I've mentioned many times before, using meditation every day has really been a good thing for me. It makes me stop and do nothing. Very good for your soul.

Ciao for now.

Anger builds up inside of me....

Just found out yesterday via email that the father of a friend of mine from my UBC days is now dealing with Multiple Myeloma - a blood disease that basically eats away at your bone. This man has literally riden his bike around the world distance wise and blows my mind how healthy he has always been. Very similar to what happened to Lance Armstrong.

Damn! I'm really starting to find it difficult to keep my anger at bay. I've always been a peaceful man that doesn't believe in war (unless absolutely necessary!!!). When we look at the paper everyday and see so much death due to disagreement when we are given the gift of even being here...I will gladly call myself and idiot for not understanding. Could someone please explain to me what the odds are that we could even exist? I'm thinking pretty slim. Therefore, could someone then explain to me why it is so easy for us to forget that we're so incredibly lucky to be here in the first place?

As Led Zeppelin sang many years ago.....I am so "Dazed and Confused".

Passing of a friend

This writing applies to a great man who lived in Gibson / Sechelt in B.C. who has also been fighting brain cancer similar to mine for awhile. I had been in contact with him and his wife via phone and through email regarding the treatments that he was currently going through, and although I have never met them face to face, my respect for him along with his wife and family is indescribable.

He passed away unexpectadly during sleep on April 22nd. I cannot even begin to imagine the impact on the family and how hard this would be. They are around the same age as Tasha and I and have 2 young children.

All that I know is that there is a battle out there that needs to be won and that I will do everything I possibly can to fight this war. I have always believed in peace and do my best to work out altercations, however the anger that I have inside of me regarding this challenge has only grown much stronger.

Why is it that we as brilliant humans need situations like this for us to realize the blessing we have to exist in the first place? As I have mentioned before, I did not have the respect for life before or after my initial diagnosis in 1997. It wasn't until I was told that if my situation isn't taken care off ASAP, I would not be living by the end of 2009. It finally made me realize how lucky I am to even exist.

My thoughts and love goes to this family. Please find attached their website if you are interested in learning more about them. www.caringbridge.org/visit/eliasminatsis

Great day at the Tom Baker!

We were at the Tom Baker this morning at 8:00 am to review the lastest MRI and got some great news!!! We have significant shrinkage in the area of concern. As my doctor said "The MRI shows that the tumor continues to respond to the Avastin and VP16. Although we can not be sure how much of this response corresponds to tumor shrinkage or to decrease in the inflammation, this MRI was good and it is encouraging. We will have more information with the next MRIs."

Bottom line is things are going extremely well and I am one seriously happy and relieved guy. The fight is about halfway over and I will still be pushing forward. Such a great relief to see that the path I'm on is the right one.

Over and out.

Just had an MRI

Hi everyone,

Just got back from the Foothills for another follow-up MRI to see how things are going. Feeling somewhat nervous about finding out the results on Thursday at 8:00 am. I'm pretty confident that the news we get from this will be decent. I'm not expecting some miracle to show that the tumour is gone. I'm being as realistic as possible. I was shot down pretty hard in November, 2008 from an MRI so I have to ensure that I keep it in my back pocket that the results may not be good at all. Argh!!!

Will let you know on Thursday what I find out.

Over and out.

The wave callled Cancer...

Aaah yes. It will never cease to amaze me what a roller coaster ride I'm on right now as I fight the battle with my brain cancer. It's such a love / hate relationship that I will one day truly understand, but it is an ongoing challenge, to say the least. When I think of where I would be today if I was never diagnosed in the first place...airline Captain for Air Canada or Westjet (my only dream I had), living who knows where, etc. versus who I am now because I was diagnosed.....fighting an ongoing battle that I am very confident in winning, married to the woman of my dreams, father of an amazing (and super stubborn) little boy, surrounded by the most amazing people, on a path that I'm learning more and more how lucky we are to even exist. To go back in time with the knowledge that I have today and choose A vs B....no doubt - B.

Had a bit of a scare on Monday afternoon of a minor seizure. Had a mild "deja-vu" which is generally the beginning of a seizure and was with Tasha at a sports class with Talyn. We had just dropped him off and I could tell that I was going down the potential seizure route. Luckily I felt confident that it wasn't going to be a "Grand-male" but more of a minor "need to chill out and rest". It lasted for about an hour and a half and afterwards all I wanted to do was scream and cry over the fact that my tumour was doing the annoying "hey Ryan. Just wanted to remind you that I'm still here". It's such a confidence destroyer due to the simple fact that you're feeling like everything is flowing really well and then suddenly you get an insulting slap in the face. Brings doubt and negativity into your world that you're losing the battle. Ironically, it must be acknowledged and accepted with respect, and then put aside. Not buried deep inside of you (like I have for the last 12 years). My doctor said that this may be due to the fact that the chemo is doing extremely well and that is the reasoning behind this minor seizure. Hearing her say that is what I will keep in my mind. The other "why's and what's" are gone now.

One thing that I will never truly understand is why do we make our lives so much more difficult than we truly need to be? Easy to question, extremely hard to understand and answer. Now that I've had the opportunity to step back and look at things differently, I can really see why our human brilliance, along with the power we have to move forward, and live in a world of peace is possible, yet it does not and most likely will never happen. Our ego stands so boldly between us and that picture. I look back at myself 7 months ago and ego was in the pilot's seat flying me aggressively forward. I'm doing everything that I can to now to ensure that it does not fly my plane, while accepting life as it truly is. I try to focus all of my energy on doing the best to lead my life the way that I would like it to go, while ensuring that I also accept that the majority of everything around me is stuff that I have absolutely no control over. So easy to say, so hard to do.

When I feel something like I did on Monday, frustration and bitterness builds up inside of me. To me, that's allowing the negative part of having cancer fly the plane.The only thing that I can do is "welcome it" and do my best to maintain "peace". That way, I'm still in "control".

Round #6 complete

Wow. Time flies!!!

I finished my 6th round of Aviston yesterday and haven't had any new side effects. Still dealing with the fatigue and mild headaches, but other than that, it's a walk in the park compared to what many other patients are going through.

My next MRI is on Tuesday, April 28th. Feeling pretty nervous about that. The paranoia of growth is always sitting on my shoulder and tapping me to remind me of it. After that large growth we say from September, 2008 to November, 2008, my guard is definitely up. It's come down since the results of the last MRI on March 4th but still there. As well as I'm doing, I have to ensure that I don't get lost in a crazy dream world where everything is alright and I can start thinking that the problem is solved. Been there, done that.

It is truly amazing how quick and easy it is to forget about a problem that you've been dealing with and when it looks like it's going away, you decide to forget about it. Yep, that was me over the last 11 years. Ah, the love/hate relationship we have with our brains and emotions.

I'm sure that I've mentioned before that I really enjoy the use of meditation to force myself to slow down. Even though I'm not working right now, time is zooming by!! This really allows me to stop and ensure that I stay focused on what I really need to. It's a great "addiction" to have. Can't emphasize how good it is for you!!!

Have a great day!

GO FLAMES GO!!!

Long time, no blog...

Hi everyone,

My apologies for not writing in my blog for the last couple of weeks. Was away for a few days.

I had my treatment last week and everything went well. Was in on Tuesday to do my bloodwork and chat with the doctors. Everything looked great so no reasons for not going forward with the Avastin. Had to laugh when I asked my doctors that I noticed my hands seemed to be orange and he asked me if I've been eating a lot of carrots lately. The answer was "yes" and followed by good old laughter. I did not know that eating a lot of carrots made your skin turn orange. You learn something new everyday. :)

Had a great weekend by going to Regina to surprise and celebrate my oldest brother Sean's 40th birthday. Got to see all of my family plus a bunch of friends that I haven't seen in quite awhile. My sister-in-law did a phenomenal job at putting together a great surprise!! Way to go Michelle!

Was great to get away from everything and also great to get back. Dealing with my challenge right now has become such a "normal" part of my life that I think it's safe to say that I've become "used to it". That sounds weird, doesn't it? Being used to dealing with cancer. It's already been 7 months since I was given the bad news. 7 months! It's already been almost 12 years since I was originally diagnosed. I remember so much of it like it was yesterday. I'm still very thankful that my original seizure that I had on August 19, 1997 didn't happen while I was teaching one of my pilot students 2 hours before. Their ability to handle emergencies in the air was not very good. I think if I had the seizure in the air, that plane would not have been landed safely and I wouldn't be here right now. When I stop and look at how many good things have come out of this ongoing challenge, it re-emphasizes how lucky I truly am.

Hope all is well!

How can I even begin to say....

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!!!

I've been thinking a lot about the last 6 months of time since I was told that my tumour was starting to become very aggressive and things were not looking too good. So much has gone through me physically, mentally, emotionally, logically and everything else that you can think off, that it hasn't really allowed me to sit back and say THANK YOU to every single person out there that has helped us.

Helped by supporting us financially, with continuous blessings and prayers, love and everything else that we have received. It truly confirms how beautiful this world is and the people that live here.

I have had many moments of fear that the "airplane I'm flying" is not going to get through this storm. As confident as I do feel that I will get through this challenge, knowing that I have the amazing support that I have makes me that much stronger to prevail.

I send my love, joy and happiness to everyone out there along with the biggest possible hug.

THANK YOU!!!

2 dogs to give away

Unfortunately I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place regarding the 2 great dogs that we have. Due to the amount of fatigue that is really hitting me and the fact that I can't drive after all of the seizures that I had, our 2 dogs Sterling and Maysi are not getting the attention that they need and deserve.

We've decided that it's in their best interest to be owned by someone else. We're really hoping that they can be kept together. They're best friends!

Please send me an email at ryan.westerman5@gmail.com if you or someone you know is interested. I've attached a couple of pictures. Both Sterling and Maysi are turning 6 this year.

Round #4

Wow, this Avastin/chemo combo must be in my brain working hard. I'll gladly take on the fact that I'm starting to get really tired (one of the side effects) all the time to ensure that the tumor is being destroyed.

Was at the Tom Baker yesterday for my 4th round of Avastin. Only takes about 30 minutes now that my body is used to it. Makes me feel pretty mellow afterwards.
They've also lowered the amount of Dexamethasone (lowers brain swelling) from 16 mg to 4 mg which is really good to see. That might be another reason I'm mellowing out more as this is a steroid. Another sign of confidence that things are going well.

Still waiting to see if they want to do the next MRI in one month or two. Will let you all know as soon as I find out.

Hope you're all enjoying the day. It's gorgeous out!!!

Quick update.

Hi everyone,

In tomorrow for bloodwork and a checkup. Shouldn't be any issues to get in the way of the Avastin treatment on Wednesday. One thing that I'm really noticing now is the overall side effects of the Avastin and VP-16 chemo pill. Huge lack of energy and stiffness in my upper legs. Something to be expected from the Avastin. Guess it confirms that it's doing its job.

I must say that I feel kind of bad that I haven't really updated my Blog that much lately due to the fact that my life is getting pretty boring. I could go deeper into philosophy but I probably wouldn't make a lot of sense. :)

Hope your weekend was great!

Ciao for now.

MRI results...

Good news!

The Avastin is definitely doing the work that we were planning for. It's reducing the swelling around the tumour and by doing so, the chemo will be more effective on taking care of business.

The tumour itself is still the same size, however that is also good news as it shows us that the aggressive side of the cancer has slowed down and are hoping that it is no longer growing!!!

As I mentioned in my last blog, I've been surfing a huge wave of emotion over the last few days. What is very interesting is that when I woke up this morning, I felt very much at peace. The fear and doubt was gone. I also felt that all morning and could feel the good vibe the minute I saw my doctor. Was so happy to see the smile on her face after showing us the MRI.

Will be staying on track for the Avastin treatment next Wednesday and will have the next MRI booked soon.

Definition of huge relief = how I'm feeling right now!

Hope you have all had a great day too!!

Quick update on everything

Good morning,

Hope everyone is well.

Went in on Tuesday for my bi-weekly update regarding bloodwork and how I'm feeling. All is well. No issues to be concerned about. Was good to go for the Avastin treatment on Wednesday.

Where the nervousness comes into play.......MRI I had on Wednesday morning. Won't know the results until this coming Tuesday, March 10th. Trying to stay as positive as possible and wear a smile, however in the back of my mind is that "itch on your back that you just can't reach" regarding the mass growth Tash and I saw between the September, 2008 and November, 2008. I still feel very confident that this latest MRI will not be bad news. My expectations is that it will be our good "blueprint" for future comparison.

I guess the flashback of the incredible growth we saw in November, 2008 is obviously in my subconscious. I've always been so laid back about my MRI's from the 40 plus that I've had over the last 11+ years. I think that this is the first time that I have truly been concerned.

Surfing a huge wave of emotion!!!

Will post the results on Tuesday.

Hang Ten!!!!

Time flies!

I can't believe that it's already been almost 2 weeks since my last update. Does anyone remember February?

Other than lack of energy and a bit of a chest cold, I definitely can't complain about how I'm feeling. I wouldn't complain anyways even if I wasn't feeling well. What good would that bring me?

Something really cool happened last week. I was given the opportunity to participate in the annual Calgary Flames Charity Poker tournament. I got to sit beside Todd Bertuzzi and chat with him a little bit. What an honour. I've attached some pictures to my blog regarding this.

I'm in tomorrow for a blood check and meeting with one of my awesome doctors. I've got my first MRI since November, 2008 when we saw the significant change in growth. Would love to say that I'm going to see the tumour shrink significantly but this is mainly going to be used as the basis for future reference. Tash and I will meet with the doctors on Tuesday, March 10th to review the MRI and will be extremely nervous. To have your future potentially hanging on the results from this upcoming MRI is an understatement.

Let's stop and think about that for a moment. How many people are diagnosed daily with life threatening disease, in car accidents where they don't live through them, etc.? A LOT! Who am I to complain about the situation that I am in when there are so many other people out there that are in a far worse situation? I'm not saying that what I'm going through is a walk in the park. All I'm saying is that when we are given challenges (part of our "life contract"), would it be better for us to be negative and complain about the situation or try our best to look on the "bright side" that there's a very good potential that there are others out there in a potentially far worse situation. If we had no choice other than "pick the challenge", which would you take?

I've got my 3rd round of Avastin tomorrow afternoon. Now that my system is getting better at absorbing it, it is taking less time for them to inject it. Only takes about an hour now.

I've also attached a report from the US regarding a man who has been dealing with a Grade 4 very aggressive brain tumour who is using the Avastin for his treatment. HUGE INCENTIVE FOR ME!!! All of my energy will go into the potential success that using this will help me. Is the glass half full or half empty?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIy1HoSI51s&feature=related

Peace, love and happiness.

2nd round of Avastin

Went into the Tom Baker yesterday to have my 2nd round of Avastin. So far, so good. Haven't had any side effects (muscle pain, sore throat). I'm sure it will happen and get worse over time, but that's in the future and all I know is that I am here and now.

Have spent quite a bit of time truly pondering how lucky we actually are to be here in the first place. Even though I've been dealing with brain cancer from my original diagnosis on August 19, 1997, I truly have not sat back and realized how lucky I am to actually be here in the first place until the serious news September 11, 2008. What's up with that? Why does it take us something major to realize the benefits of being alive in the first place.

I had already in the past been operated on twice, had 3 separate rounds of chemo and 1 round of radiation. Was told by one doctor back in 1997 that I wouldn't be around 8 years after diagnosis; which means I should've left this world in 2005 (theory not fact).

My only purpose in life on August 19, 1997 was to build my flying time because I was enroute to being "Captain Westerman". If things had not changed my path, I would be the Captain on one of your flights with either Westjet or Air Canada. That was my purpose in life since I was 6 years old. I never had to ask myself what I wanted to do as a career until I was 24 years old. Talk about a state of confusion! Trying to figure out how did this happen, why me, and what the heck do I do now, when I never had to ask questions like this (definitely wasn't taught this in school). Mass state of confusion.

It's so easy for us all to say "I'll get to that tomorrow". If you looked that up in the "saying" dictionary 8 monhts ago, there would have been a picture of me.

If I could go back in time and change the path that I am currently on and not have to deal with my brain cancer yet again in September, 2008, the answer is a clear "YES". The downfall to that path would be the fact that I wouldn't have the benefit of the thoughts, philosophies and respect that I have today for this gift of life. We are going through challenges every single day of our lives. That's part of our "contract" when we are given the gift to be here. So easy to say "I'm going to take 5 minutes per day to sit back and appreciate the life I have" yet it doesn't get done. Need to say this properly as I do not want to insult anyone - IT'S NOT THAT HARD!!! The question is simply how important it is to you? It generally takes something major for us to realize this and do it. (Please note that every example that I use is simply me telling you my story.) Reminds me of when I used to teach flying and would tell my students about mistakes that you don't want to make - simply stories of myself.

If I was to suddenly pass away due to whatever reasoning and was given the option to choose Option A - the path that I was "supposed" to be on prior to being rediagnosed, or Option B - the path that I am currently on after my rediagnosis, the person that was asking the question wouldn't even be halfway through the question and the answer would be OPTION B! The "person" that I am today is still the "same guy" I was prior to the bad news in September. The massive difference is the outlook that I have on how lucky we are to be here in the first place, regardless of traffic, weather, work, etc. That used to drive me insane!

All that I know now is that the only thing I can control is how I react to situations that I have absolutely no control over.

Peace, Love and Happiness.

As a former commercial pilot...

I can fully relate to the importance of ensuring you don't let negative emotion control you when you have to make a challenging decision. I will always remember a video I watched in flight school in 1995 that the minute you are in the cockpit, emotion is not allowed. This is to ensure that the lives of your passengers are your priority.

This is the philosophy that I have used while being a commercial pilot and since I was initially diagnosed with brain cancer on August 19, 1997.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/02/11/entertainment/main4793213.shtml

So far, not so bad...

I can tell that the VP-16 / Avastin combo is starting to hit me. Definitely makes me more tired during the day. Still having issues with getting a solid 8 hours of sleep. Not too surprised by that. I was up yesterday at 1:45 am and had 2 solid naps to make up for it. Got to sleep in until 4:15 this morning.

Still having issues regarding muscle pain. Other than that, I definitely have it pretty darm easy. When I compare this to what I watched my wife Tasha and our close friend Trisha go through with respect to their chemo - I'm walking along a beautiful white beach!

I will never forget when I was first diagnosed in 1997 and they told me after surgery that I had to do chemo, I pictured myself in a much worse situation versus how it turned out to be. My immune system was shot, got pneumonia a couple of times and my weight was down to 147 pounds (I'm 6'1"), but even then it wasn't that bad. It only seems to be getting better. This, of course, does seriously depend on the style and harshness of the chemo. Reading the Lance Armstrong book "It's Not about the Bike" shows how hard it was for him. His odds of living was very low. The power of the mind!!!

As you may already know, I'm always doing my best to look on the bright side of everything in life. After all, we were given the gift to be here in the first place. If we were forced to go into battle, would we simply give up? I know I wouldn't. I'm reading a very interesting book right now that really makes you stop and look at things from a different perspective. I wish I had read this a year ago.

I send you all the wishes for a great day, week, month, year and life!

Peace, love and happiness.

Starting to feel some pain...

Definitely not writing this to complain about anything. All in all, I'm feeling fine. Can tell that my immune system is going down a bit (as is everyone else in Calgary right now with the winter / chinooks :)

Not sure whether it's the VP-16 or the Avastin, or both. Feeling some upper chest and neck pain. Almost like I pushed it too hard at the gym doing a chest and upper shoulder work out. Wish that was the reason.

Still having wacky sleeping patterns. Slept in until 4:45 yesterday morning but was up at 2:45 this morning. Can't complain. Trying to hit the sack by 9:00 every night so I'm still getting some decent sleep. Flashbacks of the old days when I used to lay down at 9:00 on a Friday night to have a cat nap so I could party until 3:00 am that night. Complete opposite now!

I'm really focusing at least half hour a day doing meditation. It truly is a great thing to do. Stepping out of "reality" for a moment is so good for you. Trying to slow your thoughts down.....EXTREMELY HARD!!!! I've heard that our brains will have an average of 60,000 thoughts per person per day. PER PERSON PER DAY! To ask it to mellow out for even 2 minutes? There in lies the definition of extremely hard.

I hope that everyone is having a great weekend! Hard to believe that January is already gone.

It has begun...

Hi everyone,

I did my first pill of chemo last night and haven’t had any side effects yet. Knock on wood. I’m still waking up super early every morning because of all the drugs I’m on. Sleeping in until 4:00 am is kind of the way things are right now. Don’t mind being up that early to have some chill time, read, ponder life and check my hockey pool. The important things in life. :)

Had my first injection of Avastin at 10:00 this morning and haven't had any side effects on that. Will keep you all posted on how that goes.

During the process of happiness yesterday and today after getting back in the Captain's seat, I was surfing a big wave of emotion. I guess after a 2 week "vacation", the idea of stepping back into the boxing ring was harder than I thought. Very natural.

The gloves are back on now. As Stallone says in "Rocky IV" when his opponent boldly states "I will break you", Stallone's answer was "GO FOR IT". Who was wearing the belt at the end?

Ciao for now.

I have control

The 3 words I was taught to use when I was a pilot to ensure that there was never any confusion as to who was flying the plane. I used it now as I am back in the left seat in control.

We were at the Tom Baker this morning to review the latest CT scan to ensure that everything was "okay" to carry forward the next step and start the chemotherapy. WE ARE!!! Huge relief is such an understatement as to how happy Tash and I were (and still are) that the next step starts tonight just before hitting the sack. I'll be taking the VP-16 chemo pill orally everynight and start the Avastin injection tomorrow at 10:00 am. The Avastin will be every 2 weeks.

One of the great doctors that I get to see at the Tom Baker told me that I'm doing very well physically and mentally, so that's great to see. I'm in a great fighting position. All that I have to do now is focus on getting through the storm.

"When the clouds pass, the sun shines through"

Reviewing my CT scan tomorrow...

And meeting with our doctors to finalize everything regarding when the next step begins regarding my treatments. Hard to believe that it's already been 2 weeks since I finished the radiation.

The hardest part about this right now...the fact that I have to step out of the Captain's seat on the airplane and hope that the autopilot keeps us stays straight and level through the storm.

As mentioned in my last blog; being confident, realist and positive are crucial. Hence, why it's so hard to temporartily let go.

Will update tomorrow.

Over and out.

The roller coaster called Cancer

Hi everyone,

Had a bit of a scare this morning when I suddenly had swelling on the left side of my head where I've had a lot of the radiation. Luckily it was on the outside of by skull. There was no reasoning behind it. Didn't feel any lightheaded, lack of speech, seizure, etc. Regardless, how quickly fear takes over your brain is the obviously not a lot of fun.

We called the Tom Baker right away and talked to the on-call Radiation Oncologist and explained the situation. He feels that it was either an after effect of radiation on my skin, or an allergic reaction to something. Our neighbours next door have a such a cute puppy that I'm sure that I had a reaction to its fur and touch my head afterwards. Makes sense, doesn't it? It's logical now, isn't it? So easy to say. So hard to believe when cancer is on your head almost 24 - 7!!

As the infamous Hamlet says in Act 3, Scene 1 - "Ay, there's the rub". It's times like this that the true fear and challenge of cancer rears its ugly head. It's times like this that truly make you stop and see that every moment counts. It's times like this that unless we're dealing with a serious challenge, it's so easy to not think about how important the current moment truly is. A perfect example of this is a guy named Ryan Westerman 6 months ago when stress was the "Captain" of his airplane. His philosophy back then was "Stop and smell the flowers. Sure I'll get to that sometime next week."

The past is the past, the future is the future. All we can control is the here and now. So easy too say; so hard to do!

Regardless of how truly confident I am about getting through this challenge and prevailing, what happened this morning is yet another example of how easily we can hit the "black ice" on the highway and suddenly be out of control.

Please do everything that you can do to enjoy the present when possible. Even 2 minutes a day to chill out, think about the great things about being alive, and how lucky we are to be here in the first place. Again, so easily said yet so hard to do.

Peace, love and happiness.

Post-radiation

Is much harder than the radiation itself. I am feeling so much more tired than I was during the treatment itself. I guess that makes sense in the aspect that the side effects build up over time and peak at the end. It's taking awhile for me to get back to "normal". Hard to believe that's it's already been a week.

The anti-seizure drugs and anti-swelling drugs are also making things harder. The anti-seizure drug is supposed to mellow me out, while the anti-swelling makes me wake up at least 3 times a night and gets my "analysis" of everything going by 4:30 in the morning. I was up at 3:30 this morning. I'm pretty happy if I can sleep in until 5:00 am. That's a bonus.

I now fully understand why the doctors need me to take time off from any treatments until this gets better. Would only make things worse if I didn't.

I hope that everyone is having a great day. I hear we've got another chinook coming soon. Nice!!

Thanks to Todd Bertuzzi, Peter Hanlon, Glen Hawker and the Calgary Flames!!

Yesterday morning I was given an amazing opportunity to meet my favorite hockey player, Todd Bertuzzi! I have been a fan of his for many years from my days of living in Vancouver and was the happiest guy in Calgary when he came here. He is the reason that I got back into watching hockey in the late 90's. Meeting him has been a goal of mine for 10 years!

My wife Tasha and close friend Kevin were able to somehow make the pieces come together thanks to Peter Hanlon and Glen Hawker. Kevin, Talyn and I got to go to the Saddledome during the Flames practice yesterday morning and watch them. It was so cool!!!

Afterwards we were allowed to meet Todd Bertuzzi in the hallway where the media does the interviews with the players and coaches that we see on TV. We spent about 15 minutes chatting with Todd and he showed Talyn some cool tricks to learn. I literally felt like I was in a dream. He is the nicest guy!!!

Thank you Todd for taking the time that you spent with us. You have no idea how much that means to me!

GO FLAMES GO!!!

All done!

The days of radiation have now officially come to an end!!! Thanks so much to Mark, Joseph, Laura, Shannon, Charlene, Andrea, Samira, Rosie and Junead at Radiation Unit 9 for the great job that they did for me. As much as I will miss seeing them every day, I feel very relieved that this part of the battle is done.

The doctors now want me to focus on recovering from the radiation for a couple of weeks before we take the next steps. I have a CT scan booked for Januray 29th and then we meet with the doctors on February 3rd to discuss when I can start the next stage of treatment.

It almost feels like I get to go on "vacation" until then.

Now on a complety different note; we had a family scare last week when Tasha was feeling off - vertigo, dizziness, lightheadness and slurred speech. Our immediate concern was that her breast cancer was starting to spread to her brain. This has always been an ongoing concern for us. When she went to see her doctor about it, the doctor ordered something that didn't make us feel too good...an urgent CT scan for her head, chest and abdomen.

Thanks to the amazing support of some very special people, they ensured that she got to the tests she needed to go to and that they were done quickly. When she arrived at the diagnostics place, Rick and Lynne recognized her from our story and knew that she needed the results ASAP. Literally 5 minutes after her CT scan was finished, we found out that it was clear! The definition of extreme relief would still be an incredible understatment as to how we felt.

The challenge of having one of us dealing with cancer is one path to follow. The idea of both of us dealing with cancer at the same........I cannot find a definition to how that would be.

I have the thoughts of my cancer "taking me" out in the near future go through my mind every day. I think that's very natural. I've been fighting this on and off for 11 1/2 years but now it's the harshest that it has ever been. I have stepped into the boxing ring before with every intention of winning the fight.

I know now that if Tasha's cancer came back and put us both in this battle and one of us had to give in, the only thing that I would ask for is 5 minutes to say goodbye to her and Talyn before I move on to where we go after life. All that would matter to me is that she lives a long and beautiful life, and raises our amazing son Talyn.

Once again it makes me realize how lucky I am to be with her and Talyn.

Have a great night!

Thanks to No. 8 Fire Station!!!

Tash, Talyn, my Mom and I got to spend an hour and a half today at No. 8 Fire Station touring around while taking pictures. It was great!!! I've always had massive respect for the fact that they risk their owns lives to save others. That is such an understatement. To have the opportunity to spend time with them today is an honour.

Thanks so much to them for a wonderful morning with my family and also for their generous donation to "Ryan's Path".

I send them all massive tackle hugs!!!

T-minus 4 and counting

Hard to believe that I'll be finished the radiation on Monday, January 19th. I originally had Wednesday, January 21st but I guess that was incorrect as a couple of extra days were on the schedule just in case. Great to see that it's Monday instead of Wednesday!!

Time is zooming by. Reminds me of when I was young and my Mom would say that time goes faster the older you get. Of course having the "I know everything already" attitude that kids usually have, I said it won't. Definitely wrong on that one!

Feeling fairly good with the radiation. Fatigue has definitely settled in. Also on a few drugs to help avoid seizures and reduce brain swelling which can cause seizures. The downfall to one of them is insomnia so I'm usually up by 4:30 every morning. Wish it was just due to better "time management". I'm writing this at 4:50 am and have been up for almost an hour.

Meeting with my chemo doctor on February 3rd to finalize the start dates of the chemo and Avastin itself. Will need to take a couple of weeks "off" to let the brain recover from the radiation. I'll be ready to start the day after I finish radiation but I guess I should probably listen to the experts!

I hope that everyone is doing well and enjoying 2009. Hard to believe that January is almost 1/2 over. Wow!

The power of our mind

I was sent this by a close friend and it brought tears of inspiration to my mind. We have so much power inside of us that unfortunately isn't being used.

http://www.maniacworld.com/are-you-going-to-finish-strong.html

I read a great book a few years ago called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" and thought that for sure I would apply it to my world. Then I stepped back into my "reality" and totally forgot about it. What I wouldn't do to go back and apply it then.

I realize now that to truly apply these ways of living that were recommended in the book is extremely hard, yet relatively easy to do if you truly want it to happen. Similar to New Years resolutions - easy to say yet so hard to do, unless you can honestly say that it's that important.

It's truly unfortunate that it took this situation that I'm dealing with now to finally make the changes to "my world" that I should have done before, however to focus any energy on "shouda, woulda, coulda" is like flying a plane across the ocean with a leak in it's fuel tank that I knew about. Doesn't make sense. All I can do now is remember that the past is the past and it will never be changed. By focusing every ounce of energy on the here and now and not letting the past be an influence on me, my level of confidence will not be impacted and will help me get through this challenge. I WILL have the privilege of being with my wife Tasha and son Talyn until I pass on at the age of 100.

Have a great day!!

Happy belated New Year!!!

Hi everyone,

I hope that you have all had a great holiday break and a Happy New Year! As strange as this may sound, I am very thankful for 2008. The challenges that Tasha and I have had with medical issues have been very frustrating, yet also very enlightening.

2009 is going to be very medically hard, yet I have so much confidence in myself, my incredible wife Tasha and amazing son Talyn, my family and friends, the medical team that I am very fortunate to have access to, and the incredible support from the public that I often sit back and go WOW!!!!!

2009 is going to be a GREAT YEAR!!

I wish all of you and everyone around you the very best for 2009 and for many years after that!!!