I am writing this in a sarcastic way, due to the fact that I have now been here for 6 weeks and as much as I enjoy the people that are here to help me out, the bottom line is I don't like being here. It's a nice place to be to die, which is what it's meant to do, but I don't want to die. The biggest challenge is that as time goes on, my ability to move around gets less and less, the words from my brain aren't as strong as they used to be and my ability to have conversations doesn't really exist anymore.
I am trying to be as strong as I possibly can. But there is also a large part of me that has given up. I've been so strong all of these years dealing with my situation, but a lot of me wants to let go.
I am having more problems with my situation, due to the fact that I am waiting to die. I don't necessarily believe it, but it definitely tempts me a lot more. I feel as though I'm giving up but the reality is I think anybody would feel this way.
My times of happiness are no longer as frequent as they were before. I realize that my time left has to be enjoyed, but right now there is a lot of bitterness inside of me. Hopefully it will get better with time.
A Toast to Tricia
7 months ago