Off to the hospice

Unfortunately the time has come for me to leave my place and move to a hospice for safety and preparation to move on to whereever it is we go. Ironically, I find myself the most confident about this challenge due to the fact that I know there are people that have walked out of the hospice and I want to be one of them. I can choose to let go and prepare myself to die and I have actually prepared myself to move on, but I refuse to give in.

As you all know, the movie Gladiator has been an inspirational way to go about things and even though it looks like the enemy is going to win this battle, I still refuse to give in. I am going to the hospice to ensure I am taken care of should the time come and also to make things easier for my wife, Tasha and my son, Talyn, as if the cancer takes over and I die, I don't want it to be in our house.

I'm obviously extremely pissed off, especially now that it's hard for me to move around and do something as simple as the dishes. It does emphasize though how lucky we are to be able to do something so simple as that. And it is unfortunate that we don't realize it until the time comes.

As I've said before, humans are extremely smart creatures, yet we are also extremely crazy. We have been given this gift to live and enjoy our time, yet we let the small stuff get under our skin and eat us up. Please do everything you possibly can to not be that way. All that I know is that I would do anything tomorrow morning to wake up and go "Oh - it's Monday morning, I gotta go to work". I think I've said it before, please keep what I am going through in your back pocket as a thought to use if you're having a bad day. Because not having the ability to live the life you want, is the worst thing possible. And anything above that, is really not that bad.

Take care for now,
Ryan

How drastic changes can easily happen

Hi everyone,

Sorry that it's taken awhile to be in touch. As I mentioned in my last Blog, things have taken quite a change for the worst. It turns out that that was an understatement compared to now.

I'm sitting here writing with more blindness and partial paralysis on my right side after having a significant downturn in events over the past two weeks. It was on New Year's Eve that I fell over while I was getting dressed. I truly realized that something was wrong and with tears in my eyes, I asked Tasha to come upstairs to talk to me about what was happening.

I let her know that I was now experiencing partial paralysis in my right side, but was hoping that it was simply a side effect of the CCNU chemotherapy treatment. She called in and the doctors requested me to go into emergency. After spending quite a few hours in emergency, it was determined that it might have been a stroke and wanted me to stay. I was pretty upset to be spending New Year's Eve in the hospital, but oh-well, you do what you gotta do.

Turns out that I was able to leave for a few hours on New Year's Day because they weren't able to get me in for an MRI just yet. I did the MRI on January 2 and things went downhill from that point forward. The results showed that my tumour now had progressed to my brain stem and there was nothing else that they could do to help me. I was told that it was best to be in contact with a hospice and get myself prepared to go onto the next world (whatever that might be).

Since then I've made adjustments to walking and my home life with respect to helping me get around. I am using a cane on my left side to help me balance and am partially paralyzsed on the right side. It took a couple of days for us to digest what was going on. But with my past experience it wasn't that hard and I stole an idea from a great book "Tuesday's with Morrie". It was about having a party while I am still here with close friends and family.

On Friday night we had 60 people over for food and drinks. Lots of pictures were taken to remember what was going on if I do actually pass away soon. It was so nice to see so many people and to feel the love that I have around me, which I am very lucky to have. One thing that really stands out to me about this situation is that as bad as this might be, I am very fortunate to have what I do.

Tasha and I were back on the news again today so that we can do what we can to help other people take advantage of the fact that we even exist. To ensure that the small stuff means nothing and what is truly important is LOVE, PEACE and HAPPINESS. This life we live is full of chaos so please do yourself a favour and take the time to slow things down. Otherwise, you won't even see it until the time comes to go.

I will be continuing with my blog as time goes on to fill you in on any changes. Although I do feel very confident that I will be here for quite a while, I have also accepted that I might not be.

Peace, Love, Happiness.

Ciao for now...