Sunday, January 24, 2010

Off to the hospice

Unfortunately the time has come for me to leave my place and move to a hospice for safety and preparation to move on to whereever it is we go. Ironically, I find myself the most confident about this challenge due to the fact that I know there are people that have walked out of the hospice and I want to be one of them. I can choose to let go and prepare myself to die and I have actually prepared myself to move on, but I refuse to give in.

As you all know, the movie Gladiator has been an inspirational way to go about things and even though it looks like the enemy is going to win this battle, I still refuse to give in. I am going to the hospice to ensure I am taken care of should the time come and also to make things easier for my wife, Tasha and my son, Talyn, as if the cancer takes over and I die, I don't want it to be in our house.

I'm obviously extremely pissed off, especially now that it's hard for me to move around and do something as simple as the dishes. It does emphasize though how lucky we are to be able to do something so simple as that. And it is unfortunate that we don't realize it until the time comes.

As I've said before, humans are extremely smart creatures, yet we are also extremely crazy. We have been given this gift to live and enjoy our time, yet we let the small stuff get under our skin and eat us up. Please do everything you possibly can to not be that way. All that I know is that I would do anything tomorrow morning to wake up and go "Oh - it's Monday morning, I gotta go to work". I think I've said it before, please keep what I am going through in your back pocket as a thought to use if you're having a bad day. Because not having the ability to live the life you want, is the worst thing possible. And anything above that, is really not that bad.

Take care for now,


Lisa Rendall said...

Ryan, Tasha and Talyn,

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I've been thinking about you non-stop since your last posting and seeing the update today made my heart sink. I can't even begin to understand what you must be going through, but please know that what you have written has given ME strength in my battle with metastatic breast cancer, and the decisions I will most likely have to face at some point.

Thank you for sharing your feelings and journey with the world. It's a much better place because of you.


Anonymous said...

Hi Ryan,

My heart and thoughts have been with you, Tash and Talyn every day. I'm glad you have found a place at hospice, as that is your want to go in the event things turn. But, it is true - some people do end up getting 'kicked out' of hospice . . .

It's also true what you say about living for the moment - it's funny, because sometimes with Elias, I would remember almost wishing we could go back to that place of ignorance just for a bit to get a break from 'cancer', but in the end the gifts that can come with facing something like this can be many if you let them be.

I'd still give anything to have that awareness and still have Elias, of course, but I am thankful for all I learned from him and, of course, for the strength of our love - which somehow feels even stronger now. I see you and Tash are so fortunate to have that as well.

All the best to the three of you,

Louise and David said...

Dear Ryan,
Thank you for this latest post about your decision to move to a hospice at this time. We are encouraged by the fact that you are moving there with confidence and that, even now, you refuse "to give in to the enemy".

Thanks, too, for explaining your reasons for making this move. To us they seem as practical as they are noble. For now, you will be getting the immediate care that you need and your family will know that you are in good hands.

We share your hope that you will be one of those people who walk out of the hospice. Already, what you are going through is "in our back pocket". We promise to try not to "let the small stuff get under our skin"; to realize "how lucky we are to be able to do something as simple as the dishes"; and to relish the "gift to live and enjoy our time".

Please know that all of the positive energy that it takes for us to stay in the present moment is being sent to you across the miles, Ryan.
Sincere well-wishes,
Louise and David

Anonymous said...

Hey Cous,
My thoughts and prayers are constantly with you, Tasha, and Talyn each day. I have always looked up to you, and I will continue to do so forever. You are so positive its absolutly amazing. I keep you in the back of my head at all times, and try not to complain about the small stuff, by watching you I know to live each day to the fullest. Keep fighting, (i know you always do.)
Love you lots, Julene

Unknown said...

Inspiring as always. Your attitude reminds me to quit complaining about life, because I'm here to live it for as long as I have it. Kisses and hugs to all three of you. Auntie m

Julie-Anne said...

Ryan, I will forever keep your story and your positive outlook and reminders about this beautiful thing called life in my back pocket. Thank you for teaching and sharing the most powerful lesson we all need to learn. Your life has had an immeasurable positive impact on so many. My dad has always loved the quote that your life is not measured by the length, but by the width. To me, I get the sense that the love you and Tasha and Talyn have shared is more than many will ever know. A wide, full and beautiful life in so many ways. Thinking of you three.

Susan Nase said...

Thank you for continuing to share your story Ryan. Your remarkable strength and positive energy continue to remind me to live in the present moment each day. I always think of you with your wonderful smile; I'm sure I've never seen you without it. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family every day.

Unknown said...

You said it... "I know there are people that have walked out of the hospice". Linds and I are sending you ubber amounts of positive energy and karma to keep the Gladiator fight going!
You have always been a powerfully positive force and inspiration to me... and I want you to know I will be thinking of you - winning this battle!
Shane (and Lindsay)

rudy said...

Ryan, Tasha and Talyn,

Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Ryan, you are truly amazing and I will always look up to you for my inspiration. I always complained(to God) for not being fully mobile and never being able to do fun stuff with my kids as they grow up. But your fighting spirit has made me realize, that what I am missing is very miniscule.

I am very emotional as I write this, so will stop here. Salma and Mum send their love and prayers to you all.


Andrea Wiseman said...

Your thoughts will always be in the back of my mind & my heart. Since reading your journal I have approached each day in a different & positive way. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

We feel fortunate to have met you and your strength and courage through this journey will stay with us for a long time. Thank you for taking the time to reinforce how precious life is- your story will be one we remember and carry with us.
Know that you are making a difference, people are listening.
Keep fighting.

Patrick Murray said...


While I don't know you that well, I can truly say that you are one of the bravest and most inspirational people I know. Thank you for this blog and for reminding me to slow down and appreciate the many things we all take for granted. God bless you, Tasha and Talyn. The simple act of you giving me a hug when I walk through your front door moves me to tears. I so appreciate your humanity. My thoughts and prayers, as those of Colette, are with you and your family!

Thank You!

Patrick Murray

Anonymous said...

I just finished reading your blog and I'am crying my eyes out. I wish and pray for all the strength you can for you to walk out of that hospice. But if you don't what you are teaching people and leaving behind will be here forever and a part of you will be too. Thank-you for touching my heart and making me open up my eyes and reliaze what a great life I have and I shouldn't fight with my husband over things that don't really even matter. That I should just be thankful for having him in my life and enjoying that we are both here because that is the only thing that matter. You are an inspiration and words will never be able to express how someone I have never meet can make such a lasting impression on me and my heart. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. God Bless you all. May angels surrond and protect you all and give you strength. thank-you, you are amazing!!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Ryan,

Such a sad, challenging time. But as you deal with this next step in your journey, I'm reminded that all we have is this moment. Right now. May each moment bring you courage, faith and much, much love.


Sue said...

Hi Ryan,

You don't know me and I've never visited your blog until now. But my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you face this hugest of challenges.

From reading just this one post, you seem so brave and courageous when I'm sure you're frightened. You are an inspiration! Most importantly, you sound like the most kind and caring husband and father that Tasha and Talyn could ever have wished for.

Good luck with your journey; now that I know where to find you, I will be checking up on your progress regularly...