Aaah yes. It will never cease to amaze me what a roller coaster ride I'm on right now as I fight the battle with my brain cancer. It's such a love / hate relationship that I will one day truly understand, but it is an ongoing challenge, to say the least. When I think of where I would be today if I was never diagnosed in the first place...airline Captain for Air Canada or Westjet (my only dream I had), living who knows where, etc. versus who I am now because I was diagnosed.....fighting an ongoing battle that I am very confident in winning, married to the woman of my dreams, father of an amazing (and super stubborn) little boy, surrounded by the most amazing people, on a path that I'm learning more and more how lucky we are to even exist. To go back in time with the knowledge that I have today and choose A vs B....no doubt - B.
Had a bit of a scare on Monday afternoon of a minor seizure. Had a mild "deja-vu" which is generally the beginning of a seizure and was with Tasha at a sports class with Talyn. We had just dropped him off and I could tell that I was going down the potential seizure route. Luckily I felt confident that it wasn't going to be a "Grand-male" but more of a minor "need to chill out and rest". It lasted for about an hour and a half and afterwards all I wanted to do was scream and cry over the fact that my tumour was doing the annoying "hey Ryan. Just wanted to remind you that I'm still here". It's such a confidence destroyer due to the simple fact that you're feeling like everything is flowing really well and then suddenly you get an insulting slap in the face. Brings doubt and negativity into your world that you're losing the battle. Ironically, it must be acknowledged and accepted with respect, and then put aside. Not buried deep inside of you (like I have for the last 12 years). My doctor said that this may be due to the fact that the chemo is doing extremely well and that is the reasoning behind this minor seizure. Hearing her say that is what I will keep in my mind. The other "why's and what's" are gone now.
One thing that I will never truly understand is why do we make our lives so much more difficult than we truly need to be? Easy to question, extremely hard to understand and answer. Now that I've had the opportunity to step back and look at things differently, I can really see why our human brilliance, along with the power we have to move forward, and live in a world of peace is possible, yet it does not and most likely will never happen. Our ego stands so boldly between us and that picture. I look back at myself 7 months ago and ego was in the pilot's seat flying me aggressively forward. I'm doing everything that I can to now to ensure that it does not fly my plane, while accepting life as it truly is. I try to focus all of my energy on doing the best to lead my life the way that I would like it to go, while ensuring that I also accept that the majority of everything around me is stuff that I have absolutely no control over. So easy to say, so hard to do.
When I feel something like I did on Monday, frustration and bitterness builds up inside of me. To me, that's allowing the negative part of having cancer fly the plane.The only thing that I can do is "welcome it" and do my best to maintain "peace". That way, I'm still in "control".
More Tired Days
6 days ago