News from the pad

Update by Kevin
Updates are tough I am not sure what to say. On the positive side Ryan was up for a warm bath and a great hair wash yesterday in the special tub at the hospice. We had classical music playing and Ryan sat back relaxed and enjoyed a nice warm bath. We also watched a period of hockey together before he dozed back off. Conversations are not really possible now. The words are very scrambled and even just trying to figure out he needed socks this morning took about ten minutes of deciphering. Pain breaks through every once and a while but the hospice has been great at jumping on this quickly and managing it as best as possible.
I know several people have asked about visiting Ryan. In trying to balance out everything for his family and his legacy he specifically stated he did not want people to see him in this state. His room is now filled with 95% cancer and 5% Ryan. Remember all the great moments, remember those big hugs you had, and that big smile. The best help you can give now are: all the great messages from the blog, we read to him each day, I know that your thoughts on easing his pain and also your love connect with him always. When Tasha tells him about the many lives he has touched that big smile shows up again.

Laying low...kind of

It's Tasha and Kevin - trying our best to be Ryan, so bear with us!

Ryan has had lots of ups over the past 2 weeks. 2 flames games....one with the Crowes and Talyn and one with Kev, Don and Robb. The one with the little boys was entertaining and Talyn's first game. I was worried that he asked me "momma, I wonder if they have a play place" within the first few minutes. But then he settled in. The second game the boys were sitting right behind the Flames Docs - talk about amazing seats. The flames didn't fare as well, but they had a great time anyhow.

The other big up was the first printing of his book! On Tuesday night he was presented with the first 2 proof copies of his book - Stop, Drop and Smile. Many thanks again to everyone who helped make this happen. We are now working on the printing of the first 200 copies and how we will distribute them.

The downs. A fall happened on the day we were going to the flames game. Ryan's legs buckled while going to his closet and he hit his knee and head. His head left a good dent in the hospice wall but in typical Ryan spirit he would not be deterred from going to the Flames game. Ryan now needs someone with him whenever he gets out of bed to ensure safety

The next down are headaches. Bad headaches have begun. They are in the back of the neck and head and Ryan describes the pain as a 10. The doctors have given him Tylenol, and morphine bringing the pain down to a 4 -5. This has left Ryan very tired and sleepy and he is spending most hours asleep with brief periods of time awake for conversing and eating. Although most of his appetite has dissipated.

The best help you can provide right now are: positive thoughts posted on his blog, and your continued thoughts and prayers for minimizing his pain.

We will continue to update you on Ryan's behalf

The joy of being at the pad

I am writing this in a sarcastic way, due to the fact that I have now been here for 6 weeks and as much as I enjoy the people that are here to help me out, the bottom line is I don't like being here. It's a nice place to be to die, which is what it's meant to do, but I don't want to die. The biggest challenge is that as time goes on, my ability to move around gets less and less, the words from my brain aren't as strong as they used to be and my ability to have conversations doesn't really exist anymore.

I am trying to be as strong as I possibly can. But there is also a large part of me that has given up. I've been so strong all of these years dealing with my situation, but a lot of me wants to let go.

I am having more problems with my situation, due to the fact that I am waiting to die. I don't necessarily believe it, but it definitely tempts me a lot more. I feel as though I'm giving up but the reality is I think anybody would feel this way.

My times of happiness are no longer as frequent as they were before. I realize that my time left has to be enjoyed, but right now there is a lot of bitterness inside of me. Hopefully it will get better with time.