Monday, March 8, 2010

The joy of being at the pad

I am writing this in a sarcastic way, due to the fact that I have now been here for 6 weeks and as much as I enjoy the people that are here to help me out, the bottom line is I don't like being here. It's a nice place to be to die, which is what it's meant to do, but I don't want to die. The biggest challenge is that as time goes on, my ability to move around gets less and less, the words from my brain aren't as strong as they used to be and my ability to have conversations doesn't really exist anymore.

I am trying to be as strong as I possibly can. But there is also a large part of me that has given up. I've been so strong all of these years dealing with my situation, but a lot of me wants to let go.

I am having more problems with my situation, due to the fact that I am waiting to die. I don't necessarily believe it, but it definitely tempts me a lot more. I feel as though I'm giving up but the reality is I think anybody would feel this way.

My times of happiness are no longer as frequent as they were before. I realize that my time left has to be enjoyed, but right now there is a lot of bitterness inside of me. Hopefully it will get better with time.

21 comments:

Tracy said...

I have followed your blog for some time now. You truly have been inspirational to me. I often think of you and your family. They are so lucky to have you.

Admittedly, I have no idea what it feels like to be in your situation, and quite frankly, I can't even imagine it.

But please be proud of all you have done. You've shown courage and grace in the face of such grave adversity. And you have left your son things to remember you; if only all children who lose a parent had such wonderful keepsakes.

Life is not fair, but you know that more than anyone. You will continue to be in my thoughts and I will continue to send my positive thoughts your way so that you will be the third man out of your pad.

Bob said...

Ryan, I too have been a follower of your blog for quite some time. I have a great deal of respect for you in how you have been dealing with this situation and, while not experiencing what you are going through, I can't help but imagine how difficult these last days are for you. Prayers are with you and your family.

Natalie, Jamie and Powell Girls said...

I heart you Ryan!

Natalie, Jamie and Powell Girls said...

We heard the book is going to print. I am pretty sure you are going to need way more than 200 copies....
What does one need to do to get one of these gems to read? Can't wait.

Pierre O'Reilly said...

Dear Ryan,

I too have been following your blog for some time now. I went to highschool with Tasha here in Regina.

Three years ago I was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and underwent chemo. The thought of leaving behind my 4 young children and husband broke my heart, yet there were two things that I clung to that gave me great peace in the midst of so much suffering:

1. God would only allow it if good could come from it and....

2. Nothing is wasted...not even suffering. I constantly offered up to God all that I was experiencing as a prayer for others.

Please know that I am praying for you and your family during this difficult time.

Laura(Engel)O'Reilly

Louise and David said...

Dear Ryan,
There's a Dylan Thomas poem in which a young man tells his dying father not to "go gentle into that good night" but to "rage against the dying of the light". He says that no one - not the wise, the good, the wild or the serious - goes "gentle into that good night".

The young man goes so far as to ask his father to "bless" him with "fierce tears" of rage. You have done just that for us in describing how you are waiting to die; how you even feel like giving into death; and yet how you do not want to die.

In describing the bitterness that you feel at this time you confirm that life is, indeed, our most precious gift. Throughout your illness, that has been your constant message to us. How can you help but feel bitter about having that gift taken away from you far too soon?

You're right, Ryan, "anybody would feel this way". And in saying so, you allow us to admit our own feelings of "rage against the dying of the light".

Here in St. Andrews, our candle of hope still burns brightly for you.
With great affection,
Louise and David

marniw said...

I love you.
Auntie M

Shaun said...

Ryan
You are truly the strongest and most courageous person I have ever had the privilege to meet. You touch the hearts of more people than anyone can imagine. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Shelley said...

Ryan, we've never met, but I know you through your blog and most especially through our dear friend, Tricia. You are in the thoughts and prayers of so many people and I hope you feel that energy around you.
Shelley

Michelle W said...

You have been brave and strong for so long and have put up one heck of a good fight; defying all the odds. You have made so many people proud, including yourself. Not easy for someone in your shoes to do but you have DONE it. With flying colors!

It is understandable that you are ready to give up your struggles and I'm sure everyone in your life will still be proud.

Hugs to you and to Tasha and Talyn.
Michelle

kent pankow said...

Ry - you are a huge inspiration for me to never give up and keep fighting the fight.
Stay gold m'brother - Kent Pankow

Anonymous said...

Hey Ryan,

Just wanted to shoot you a note to let you know that Linds and I want to send you ubber massive hugs!!! We are always thinking of you, Tash, and Talyn.

Also wanted to say Go Flames Go, I hope you've been able to watch a few of the games lately.

Be strong and finish the game hard!!

Love you - Shane and Lindsay

Julie-Anne said...

Tremendous bear hugs to you and Tasha and Talyn my friend. xo

Anonymous said...

Great things await you, do not fear.

Anonymous said...

Hi Ryan...bear hugs to you from your 'second' family! Of course thinking of you all daily.
Jill, B, Zoe, Jada and Levi!! xoxoxox

Anonymous said...

Hi Ryan,

You and your family continue to be in my thoughts daily. While I can't know your side of it, I distinctly remember when Elias started having a difficult time conversing with people. He went from loving to talk about anything and everything - to keeping mostly quiet. It was isolating and hard for him.

My heart goes out to you as you struggle with the same. I'm thankful that he always felt comfortable talking with me, though, and I'm glad you have Tash there with you.

Also, there is no question of your strength - regardless of how you are feeling right now. Regardless of what happens.
~Chelsea

Anonymous said...

A man's life is measured by the impact he has on the people around him. Thank you Ryan, for your positivity and perpsective on life. I am glad to know you.

We'll meet again.

Sean Parker

Anonymous said...

Hi Ryan,
We had a good conversation last fall at Foothills while you were waiting to go for an MRI (I was waiting for my daughter to finish hers).After hearing what you and your wife had gone through in the past years, I was simply amazed at your resolve, attitude and your wonderful sense of humour.
After recognizing you on the news awhile back, and reading these postings (and Tasha's), I feel compelled to write to you.
You expressed how disappointed you were to initially learn that you could not pursue your dream of becoming an air pilot. But what a pilot you have become-- navigating through turbulence and dark clouds, yet having the insight and wisdom to make the most of some of your smooth flight time (Mexico, si!)
You have been blessed with a great family and group of friends, and are obviously so well loved and appreciated. It is no wonder at all that you feel despondent about having to say goodbye to those you love.
I want to thank you for sharing your inspiring reflections and life lessons with so many. My family has also had some difficult and wrenching turns, and it is so important, as you eloquently stress, to see and to value what really matters, and to make the most of our moments.
Well, no one would wish the kind of adversity you have had to face on anyone. But there are few who would handle such adversity with the grace and strength that you have demonstrated Ryan. May you find some solace in knowing how many people are holding you in their hearts, and that you will always live on in the hearts of those who love you. Peace and courage to you and your family and loved ones on your continuing path!

Anonymous said...

Oh Ryan, you are such a precious gift. You inspire us all daily and forever. Your spirit is inside everyone who has met you and we are SO thankful, it makes us a better people for having known you. We will all pay it forward xox. It was great seeing you in a Flames jersey, but please let Sutter know how to stop those *^&*% Sedin's!! Lots of love and daily hugs from the Pollitts and McMasters

Sue said...

I can't even being to imagine how I would react if ever I found myself in your situation; knowing that you will possibly be leaving behind a beautiful young family must be such a tough, tough thing to get your head around.

I lost my husband in a freak, unresolved scuba diving accident on 27 June 2004. He was 26, I was just 27 and we had a beautiful 6 week old baby boy, Jake. Life's been tough, but we're finally moving on. For the first time since Jacques died, Jake & I are living in our own home (we were with my parents until Feb) and I can finally say I'm happy. I have a bubble of excitement growing within me that hasn't been there for a long, long time.

Anyway, I guess why I'm telling you all this is that life's tough and that we all have hurdles we have to over come. One of the biggest lessons I learnt through counselling after Jacques died, was that we have to look for happiness when it's not in abundance. Take a moment (when you have the energy) to stop and just notice even the smallest things. The green grass, a sunny day, a kind smile, gentle touch or note from a stranger. Take time to treasure your family and look for that happiness that seems to have faded a little for you. It'll come back, just takes a bit of work finding it.

I know you don't know me and I haven't been reading your blog for as long as many others, but I salute you for your bravery. I pray that you will find the strength and happiness within you to continue your fight. You are so much stronger then you believe. Keep believing.

With much love,
Sue

PS. Just saw a comment mentioning a book - have you printed? Please let me know the name, so I can get hold of a copy...

Carol Westberg said...

Gentle, Gentle Hugs to you my courageous friend!!!!
You are in my heart forever!!!
Carol( Myeloma Warrior)