Wish it was good news...

Find out this morning at 8:30 am that the beast has decided to make a new statement. The MRI from yesterday does unfortunatley show the area of concern is starting to grow. DAMN IT!!! What I wouldn't do to have some time off from this beast to just enjoy some chill time.

The update that was scheduled on Global TV today has been cancelled. I called them after leaving the Tom Baker and let them know that what we thought was good news, isn't that great anymore.

On a good note, we have put an immediate stop to the VP-16 chemo and the super-expensive Avastin. The question now is where do we go from here. I had about 5 minutes of sadness, tears, anger and giving up before I hopped back into the left side of the plane to start the flight through the storm. I thought that I had it on cruise control.

I can sit here and explain the anger and sadness of this morning, yet that is a complete waste of energy for both you and I. Being this way would solely allow the cancer to actually believe in itself more confidently. I don't state this to say that I will beat this ongoing challenge. I may very well be gone in a few months. I've spent a lot of time over the last 15 months to think and review the true purpose of my existence (and what may apply to everyone).

We are here to enjoy life in as many ways as possible. We are here to learn (and this does not apply to school). We are here to spread love to others to ensure that they feel it. We are here to accept the reality that is around us, as it is something that we will never control. Most importantly...we are here to know ourselves. After all, that is all that we can take with us when the time comes to go.

Happy Holidays to everyone out there. I plan to say this for many more years.

Peace, love and happiness!

On Global TV News

Hi everyone,

Tash, Talyn and I were interviewed today by Global news for an update on how things have been going for the last year. Hard to believe that it's already been a year since I last saw them. Wow!! Suppose to be on tomorrow night at both 5:00 and 6:00 pm. Was nice to get stuck back out regarding how we're doing.

Have had a good recovery from my 2 days of bitterness last week. I guess I need to remember that this journey isn't supposed to have any fun to it. Although I've had a great time meeting other people and seeing how incredible we can all be together, I still have to remember that my battle is far from over.

I've started to think a lot more about getting back to work, but am not willing to take that risk yet after everything that I've been throught. I'm getting another MRI done at 5:00 pm today for another 2 month update. Feeling pretty good about it but have and will always have that shield around me to prepare for bad results. I'll find out tomorrow morning and really hope that my next Blog is talking about good stuff and not bad. I've always felt confident about getting good results, but my one experience in November, 2008 where things were looking bad, have left a vibe of badness in me that is still there tapping me on the shoulder.

Off to a chiro appointment and then my MRI at 5:00 pm. Will keep you posted.

The surfboard that we wave regarding cancer

Had a pretty mellow day yesterday. Felt quite tired and needed to lie down again by 1:00 pm. It's great that I can drive again now so it's way easier to go from Point A to Point B. Took Talyn to swimming class and by the time that it was over at 11:45, I got him home right away, ate some food and hit the sack. Woke up around 2:00 and took almost 2 hours to wake up from the nap. As we all tend to know, everyone tends to have a hard time waking up after a long nap.

My Dad and his wife Bonnie came down from Edmonton and we enjoyed putting up the tree and the light all over the place. It was frustrating when we were pretty well finished that I suddenly had to lay down and close my eyes to slow down what I felt like could be a seizure coming along. Once more another reminder from the f@#king battle that I am far from the end. My god, what I wouldn't do to live a month of "normal" days and nights where I get up, go to work and come home for dinner, spend some time with Tash and Talyn and go to bed. It is such a world that I honestly do not recall anymore.

Argh!!!

One year ago...

Hard to believe that it's already been one year since I had my mass-seizures and spent 5 days in the hospital. I can still remember every moment of that situation like it was just yesterday. So excited to have the "freedom" to hop in the car and take Talyn to school vs. the bus, run over to Safeway to pick up some groceries, etc, etc. The simple things that we take advantage of because it is so natural. Again, one of the many things that we have the ability to do, but don't realize how beneficial they are until we can't do it anymore.

As I've mentioned before, if we could only invest 5 minutes of time per day to realize how lucky we are to be alive, you would probably sit back and start to look at things a little differently. We have Christmas coming and are so excited to make that connection with family and friends, yet if we took a bit of time everyday to realize the exact same things, reality might change a little bit on the good side.

I know that I was taught as a young boy to be thankful for the life that I have and to enjoy things as the time goes by, yet the amount of pressure that exists with respect to school, sports, etc. that it was so easy to forget about the benefits of living in the first place.

By far one of the biggest mistakes that I made was approximately in June, 2008 when I was heading to a conference that I had paid for to upgrade my licensing for investment consulting. Tash gave me a call that she wasn't feeling well and that I would have to take Talyn to day care for her. I was so mad about this (and not mad at Tash) that I remember thinking that the pressure that I'm applying to myself to prove myself to others that I could do it, I told my tumour that if it was going to come back due to everything that was going on, I didn't give a crap b/c proving myself to others was far more important than taking care of myself. If we looked up the definition of IDIOCY in the dictionary, there would be a picture of me.

Please try to avoid these kinds of situations as best as possible. Don't pull a "Ryan".

Over and out.

Back from Mexico

Had a great time of "nothingness" while Talyn played in the Kids Club with other kids from different counties. It was great to go!!! Haven't vegged like that in an extremely long time. We thought about going on a tour of something, but knew that all we really wanted was nothing. The resort we stayed at is called the "Paradius". I like to call it Paraoutstanding!!!
Had some nice walks along the beach, met a lot of nice people, ate a lot of great food, and relaxed. Great way to step out of reality.

We flew back on Friday during the crazy snow storm that was happening. They had to do an overshoot on our approach and ended up flying to Saskatoon to refuel and wait a couple of hours for the strong part of the cold front had passed. After all was said and done, we got to bed at 4:00 am on Saturday morning. It was wild on our approach as we had been told the weather wasn't very good. Being trained and spending many hours of time practicing critical situations like this, my gut totally told me that we were going to do an overshoot. I let Tash know that everything was alright and as soon as the engines went to full throttle, I firmly let her know that everything was alright. Makes being a passenger much easier to handle fear when you know what's going on in the cockpit. Aah...the good old days.

The biggest challenge was going from +30 degrees to -30 degrees in 5 hours. Man, what a shift.

Had my checkup yesterday and all is well. Completed my Avastin treatment today and feeling a little tired. I'm sure that I'll get a rush of energy the minute before I lay down to go to sleep.

Now that I'm back to reality, I'm going to start Blogging more about anything and everything else.

I hope that everyone is doing well.

Buenas noches!!