Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Wish it was good news...

Find out this morning at 8:30 am that the beast has decided to make a new statement. The MRI from yesterday does unfortunatley show the area of concern is starting to grow. DAMN IT!!! What I wouldn't do to have some time off from this beast to just enjoy some chill time.

The update that was scheduled on Global TV today has been cancelled. I called them after leaving the Tom Baker and let them know that what we thought was good news, isn't that great anymore.

On a good note, we have put an immediate stop to the VP-16 chemo and the super-expensive Avastin. The question now is where do we go from here. I had about 5 minutes of sadness, tears, anger and giving up before I hopped back into the left side of the plane to start the flight through the storm. I thought that I had it on cruise control.

I can sit here and explain the anger and sadness of this morning, yet that is a complete waste of energy for both you and I. Being this way would solely allow the cancer to actually believe in itself more confidently. I don't state this to say that I will beat this ongoing challenge. I may very well be gone in a few months. I've spent a lot of time over the last 15 months to think and review the true purpose of my existence (and what may apply to everyone).

We are here to enjoy life in as many ways as possible. We are here to learn (and this does not apply to school). We are here to spread love to others to ensure that they feel it. We are here to accept the reality that is around us, as it is something that we will never control. Most importantly...we are here to know ourselves. After all, that is all that we can take with us when the time comes to go.

Happy Holidays to everyone out there. I plan to say this for many more years.

Peace, love and happiness!

13 comments:

NovAKanE said...

ain't that a lump of coal for xmas! Sorry to hear that Ryan. Keep strong my friend. lots of love to you and the family.

Bob said...

Ryan, I am so sorry to read this news. My prayers are with you and your family as you continue to work your way through both the physical and emotional challenges you face.

Bob in Gibsons, BC

Anonymous said...

This breaks my heart. I was truly hopeful that the Avastin be 'it'.

I know too well how it feels to want that 'day off' - hell, even just 10 minutes off would be nice, wouldn't it?

It's not an easy thing to keep that outlook, but I'm glad to hear you are as best as you can - it helped Elias and I immensely - though of course there were times when he struggled, and he would ask me how I was still smiling, I would just look at him (smile) and reply, 'Because you're still here, and that's all I need.'

Shortly before he died we had changed things with the naturopath - we were trying laetrile by iv (and it's not too expensive). We had great hopes for it to work, and the swelling in his tumour did 'seem' to be dropping with it, but we never got much time to try it.

All my best to you and your beautiful family,
~Chelsea

Anonymous said...

Ryan, thinking of you-at church the pastor said as we discussed fear, "Look where you are going, and be not afraid". Know where you are going; if you are riding a bike and looking at the cliff you could fall off of-you will head there as that is where you are looking. Look where you are going.
Have courage to ccontinue living every day,

Vic & The Wearmouths said...

Hello Ryan, sorry to hear that damn beast has reared it's ugly head. You are one of the most positive people I know, and through my own journey, I've met plenty! I hope you enjoyed Christmas with Talon as much as we did with Jorja...it's the little things ain't it?! Take care and keep fighting the good fight my friend,
Vic and the Wearmouths

candi said...

Ryan & Tasha, our prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story and beliefs with everyone.
Stay strong and hold your love ones close as you have taught so many of us to do.

Our thoughts, strength and prayers

Candice, Caiden & Kennedi

Anonymous said...

Dear Ryan

Try other avenues. You have nothing to loose.

Ashki said...

I am so sorry, Family, for what you are going through - may God give you the strength and support you need to make a full recovery. Much love and many prayers sent your way...


Cyndee Wanyonyi ><>

Anonymous said...

Ryan, Tasha, and Talyn

I haven't had the opportunity to know you well through IG but the classes, and meetings we did attend your knowledge, insight and sense of humor were welcomed. You seem to be a fighter and have gotten this far with your fight, don't let this new news get in the way of your family time. You have been in our families prayers since Tom told me last year, and you will continue to be.

Sean Kellington (investors Group)

Anonymous said...

Hi Ryan,
Wayne S here, its been awhile for sure, i'm glad you won that cruise last year i couldnt think of a better winner.
I know you are not going to go willingly, but the latest development makes me think of a song my 8 year old turned me on to, Coldplay and Jay-z where he questions whether its better to have achieved and lost versus not achieved at all?
Your impact on everyone you've met is proof, creating your family and legacy is proof, your willingness to be public about your fight is proof of your outstanding achievements and even in the face of death make them more amazing. Take comfort in and be proud of these things. I know that being remembered by all for a very long time doesnt help you now, but you will be, regardless of what happens! Stay Strong and keep your family close
Wayne

Anonymous said...

Ryan and his Family. I am very sorry to hear about your sudden turn of events. Ryan.I pray for a miracle but if you have to preparing for the end, know that there is happiness on the other side. Be grateful for being able to say goodbye and know that you will never be forgotten. You have touched the hearts of many people around the world and your strength is truly inspiring. Stay strong and remember you are in my prayer and many others.

Alyson said...

Ryan - we met briefly at the brain tumour conference in October and even before that I have followed your story as a role model and inspiration in my own journey. My heart breaks for your situation and my prayers are with you and your family. Keep strong and thank you for sharing your journey with us and providing such an inspiration to believe in.
Alyson Woloshyn

Anonymous said...

Hi Ryan, I am glad to have read your last installment. I haven't been in touch but you've been in my thoughts. As I was sitting today you popped in and so did William Linville. You may be far beyond talking to anyone else, but check him out www.williamlinville.com and if he resonates with you, contact him and it's on me. I've emailed him to let him know. Thanks for sharing so opening on your blog. You're a real inspiration. Rebecca G.